Survivor's guilt

Surviving.

What does this mean for most people? Does it mean going to work and paying the bills and just getting through the day? For some of us it means beating death to the punch line because he was knocking on our very door. I have also noticed a difference between people who've suffered from a long term illness and people who had a brush with death in something like a car accident. By all means they are both traumatic, but one leaves a bigger stain than the other. To battle with a disease and win, when you were so sure you were going to lose, is to find yourself forever locked in a reality different than those people around you. Much like other groups of people only those who have shared this experience could truly understand the depth of which I speak. I mean no malcontent towards others, but it's a fact that unless you've walked a mile in someone's shoes you don't feel their situation, you may logically understand it but you don't feel it. The caretakers of those with terminal illnesses go through their own personal hell and the person with the disease can't feel their pain either.

Survivor's guilt. This is the topic of which I am talking about. How do you go on day after day, trying to make a living when you feel guilty for simply existing? It seems that since you've existed you should do something fantastic and fabulous with your life. Learn how to cure cancer, save the hungry, cure the common cold, I don't know what, but somehow it feels like I have to make a difference. A big difference in order to justify the reason that I lived when so many others died. In the 3 years following my diagnosis of remission I lost 3 people to cancer and worked for the hospital in which I had been treated. I routinely had to call my own oncologist (cancer doctor) and have her come to the office where I worked because we handled all the death certificates. Calling her to come sign a death certificate on a patient that could have been me was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. It helped me to get back on my feet a bit, sort of like tottering on my toes in 6 inch stiletto heels. I wouldn't say I was on my feet, but I was getting there. Unfortunately, I don't know as I've progressed much past that point in the years following. The year I worked for Evanston Hospital (the hospital I was in treatment) was 2 years or so post active chemotherapy. It's now 16 years since my diagnosis and I'm still chasing some unbeknownst dragon, something that I have to do or be or feel in order for me to feel as though I've made the difference that was needed to justify my life. I recently got married, we're looking at adopting, I own a house. I am struggling with money and my parents have had to help me, but who hasn't struggled in this economic climate of 2008.

So moving on, how does one do this emotionally? How do you stop caring about being a survivor? How do you stop looking into the eyes of those that pass you and wondering what is their difficulty in life? When does the "pull" stop and you're able to just sit back and relax like so many other people around you?

I have come to the conclusion that maybe we never stop worrying, stop caring, stop wondering. I think that we all have to find our own niche in this world and fulfill that to the best of our knowledge or to the best of our emotional pull. Maybe working at soup kitchens is the way to go, maybe knitting a scarf for someone is the best way to fulfill the desire, maybe just living is the ultimate. Just continuing on in the name of those who could not; just putting that one foot in front of the other, taking each step, each day. Struggling to pay the bills, fighting with your spouse over money, being imperfect at something but continuing anyway. Maybe that's how we live for all those who didn't make it. One day at a time, one step at a time, heck sometimes it's one minute at a time, but it's that next minute that we're taking for all those who didn't get a next minute!

(image from katu.com)

Expectations

"Expectations"

A simple word that when used incorrectly can feel as though it's ruining our lives. We have all felt, at one time or another, that we've worked dilligently only to find ourelves holding what seems to be nothing. We all know of the big losses, the dream college we didn't get into, the promotion given to another, the house we didn't buy, the chidren we didn't have and the list goes on and on. But what place does "Expectation" play in the day-to-day afairs of our lives?

Have you ever started out for work and in your head anticipated your arrival time. As you drive you're planing your day, what's going to happen or get done etc. etc. Then all of a sudden there is an accident and you're twenty minutes late for work. You're frazzeled, your stressed out, you can feel your heartbeat racing. Are you in danger of losing your job, probably not, but you're stressed as though you are.

Have you ever stopped to take a moment and wonder why? Are you so trained, ingrained that stress is part of our lives that you accept it no matter how crazed it makes you ? If you think about it you are stressed because of "Expectation". You "Expected" to get to work at a certain time, then you "Expected" that other events would follow in line. You planned on your expectations. These are what drive us crazy. Can we get rid of them NO, but we can be AWARE of them and thereby learn how to control them.

As you're planning your day be AWARE of what you're "Expecting" and that life throws curve balls that don't go well with our "Plans". So learn to let go just a little and start to "Expect" that things may not go perfectly and if they don't your whole day won't be ruined. If you "Expect" that your day will go one way, but plan as though it may not. Figure out in your head which of your lists are to do lists and which are to want lists for that moment of that day. They are all important, to be sure, but at that moment, for that morning. Something has to take precedence.

Once you've planned "O.k. I WANT to get ABCDEFG done before lunch, but if something happens I will be good if I get ACEF done" you won't be frazzeled if there is an accident on the highway. AND...... If by chance everything works out to your "Expectations" you can really feel refreshed and elated because you got everything you Expected at that moment.

Long story short... be aware of your turning wants into expectations. If you keep focused on flexibility you will more often be pleased with the results and accomplish more in big picture than you will if you are running frazzeled because today's "Expectations" got messed up by life.

Life, we hope, is here for awhile and it isn't something we can change, argue with or plan for, but if stop fighting the challenges and learn to ride the waves we soon find ourselves surfing effortlessly!

1st installment of "No Substitutions"

"NO SUBSTITUTIONS"
The photo above could be your life!

There is nothing to write and everything to write. I'm going to pour my heart out and make no sense. I'll be wise and strong, babbling and incoherent. Out of all this will be ideas that need to be expressed and ideas bound to be seen as nothingness. All-in-all it's an important work because I'm an important person. I am common, unusual, normal and weird. I make up many pieces of us all and have moments to share. I represent more than only myself, more than my gender, my race or my sexuality. I represent the past, the present and the future. I am a person. In the pages ahead you'll glimpse how life can be for a woman, child, sister, friend, lover, teacher, and someday mother. I hope you'll agree-or-disagree, rally against-or-for, many different concepts and arguments in this book. Whatever you do I hope you leave with the most important piece... A better understanding of your own humanness and the realization that we can all connect. "No Substitutions" is about living a life worth repeating, a life you can reflect upon and be proud of. A life where you accepted NO SUBSTITUTIONS for the person you wanted to become.

Have you ever had a day when you looked around you and realized that life was really great in the past, fantastic in the now and scary as hell in the future? Every cell in your body wants to move forward, take the next step, but WOW the past was SOOO great and you're just not ready to leave yet? I have! Have you ever had a day when life was so poor you wanted nothing more than to either reverse to better days past or fast forward in the hopes that the future will be brighter? I have. How can one person have both you might ask. "Easy" I say because when you try desperately to truly live in the now you will often feel the now passionately. So passionately that today can cause both tears of joy and tears of sadness. Living fully, powerfully and observantly often comes with pain both good and bad. A cold foggy morning brings joy at the amazing wonder of mother nature and how the world can look so differently through compressed, water molecule laden air. If one lets their mind wander images can be made up and memories uncovered by things that don't really exist.

All of this, yet I say I live in the moment. I live in the moment, I feel, see and remember all that is around me, but those same things are often felt, seen and remembered differently by each of us. What frames these differences are our pasts and futures. The moments behind us and the hopes we dream of for the future color, shape and texturize our now. So, I live in the moment, but I'm always aware of the rest, aware of it to know how it shapes, colors and texturizes me. How my individuality affects my now and how it makes me alike and different from those around me all at the same time.

To ignore the realities of our yesterdays and the prospects of our tomorrows is to ignore our uniqueness within a group of sames. Same friends, same family, same neighbors and neighborhoods, yet different, unique, and amazing, each one of us. To maintain your life because it's the "way it's always been done" or some equally as easy concept is to NOT live a life of "no substitutions". You have become the substitution, because to walk the same path as others, or I should say, to do so without conscious thought is to live a life that will read like "Mad Libs". The chapters of your life will say "insert name here". So, identify your past and how it shapes you, but don't be lead by it. Be aware of your hopes and goals for the future, but don't let them take away your control and drive you.

There is a middle ground and it's not hard to find, to be, and to experience. Todays' world often gives advice to "life fully", "grab life by the horns", "stop and smell the roses", "be the change you want to see in others" on-and-on I could go with bumper sticker slogans and refrigerator magnet advice. How does any of this really translate into real life? How does this work in the day-to-day existence of the single college student whose basic living is shaped by regulated classes, rule laden assignments, and parent controlled money? How does this work for the working mother of two whose every move feels dictated by business hours, day care schedules, bed-times, bath-times and runny noses? How does this work for anyone who is going through a busy 21st century existence that feels as though even "free time" is scheduled?

This works for those people and for each of us by helping them to realize that every moment, and I do mean EVERY moment, is precious. The choices are small and make the biggest impact. For the scholastically laden student: when rushing between classes do you mindlessly spend those minutes ignoring the trees around you by talking on you cell phone? Do you keep you head down so focused on you own thoughts you don't see the face of the person who just bumped into you or those few moments are you aware of your own heat beat, the people around you; the color of the sky. A moment to only be present and a choice to halt your personal rat race in search of five minutes of peace and beauty. That's all it takes to lead a life of unscripted wonder, a life with "no substitutions" because you choose the ingredients of the personal moments.

For the hectic and busy mother: do you allow the schedules and deadlines to run your existence or do you spare an extra 30 seconds to pass a garden bright with flowers? To give yourself, or the child in the car seat, a smile for the day. Deciding on the minutia of your moments are what defines the recipe for your life. When you let life, society and family or friends determine your all, then your life becomes all about substitutions. Those substitutions always end up feeling and tasting like a salt free- low fat- no trans fat- sugar free- rice cake kind of life.

So...every now and then choose all the fat, whipped cream on top, mocha, chocolate chip moment for your own life!

RACISM TODAY

Racism Lies Beneath the Smallest Stones

Racism: A topic I had always given a great deal of thought, but until today, all that thought was focused on how to fix the ills of "others" right the wrongs of those far away. Today, racism came home in a way I never imagined. No, not me, not at me. I am one of the lucky ones who has walked above that particular problem.

What I'm talking about is the realization of how pervasive bigotry & racism still is in small towns. 16 year old girls who get phone calls from fathers who ask "have you seen N***ers?" To which she replies "oh, they're everywhere." I thought I would fall over.

I don't know what to do with this. Racism is so completely intollerable to me. My family knows I have a zero tolerance policy on that. Despite not allowing such talk, I am aware that it takes place. What bothered me most was the cavalier attitude towards that talk. It was apparent that this teen did not feel there was anything wrong, shocking, or even curious.

My questions to all of this would be... How, in the 21st century, is it that there remains people who really believe that skin defines a person? Why are these people being allowed to continue? If lynching was legal because of someone's color, maybe it should be legal for attitudes!

Sunlight

I sit here in my living room looking around. The sunlight pours in the windows illuminating life in a way only sunlight can. Dust filters and settles in the beams of light. As though you it has a presence all its own. A hand reaches out and as it passes through the stream of light, the soul feels lighter and a bit happier. I stare remembering moments of childhood where I felt the warm breeze on my face, the cool earth beneath my feet and I spun in circles until I fell, laughing, to the ground. I feel giddy and giggly. This is what makes the days wonderful and beautiful. The snow and ice seem far distant at this moment and I am content to be a child again, spinning, laughing and falling, the only difference… I hold on longer to this spin and laugh a little harder.

Feeling Spunky Today!

Hey folks, I have been having a fabulous day today. I have wanted my hair shorter and so I decided to chop it today. I LOVE it! I had a great guy cut my hair. He was friendly and fun and I am definitely going to go back. It was also in Meijers which makes it amazingly handy. I am too cute with this hair!

Have a good day!
Jules 

September 12th, 2006

Ah, The simplicity and beauty of the leaf. How "plain", how "ordinary" and yet how much like life. Small differences separate each leaf from it's brother. Sublelties and variations in striation and color can make a leaf a complete individual. As it ages and changes color, its flesh becomes drier and more brittle, to maintain the integrity of the leaf you much treat it with caution and gentleness.

Unfortunately, we often do not treat our elderly with the same gentleness, respect and caution for the fact that they too are now more brittle but no less beautiful. So when you find a leaf on the sidewalk, or watch as they flutter and fall from the trees, remember. Remember that they are no less important, nay, they are often seen as more beautiful and more important now for their colors are richer and they brighten our lives with their diversity. Remember this when next you see that older person who, like the leaf, is only more beautiful with age and all you have to do is look close enough to realize.

Fall eschews in the time of the crone, and she too is as important as the maiden or maid!